The voice in my head

“The voices in my head are never meant to be silenced, they are always meant to be listened to, embraced and turned into something so fascinating such as poetry.”

-Samiha Totanji

I wonder who remembers playing records on a turntable?  The sheer excitement when you'd race home from town with a new record to play it at high volume, with the arm of the player open so that it would play over and over again on repeat and drive the whole house crazy.

And then the inevitable build up of fluff on the needle and the repeats of one line over and over until you bravely chanced lifting the needle and taking off the fluff (without damaging the needle) and then replacing the needle (without damaging the record) for the music to flow.

I have come to see a similar pattern in my thoughts in these past years.  The voice in my head, that is not my voice, repeating the same self-deprecating lines over and over, causing me stress and suffering.  We all have a voice in our heads.  By sitting witness to my thoughts I began to see how harsh I can be with myself at times and I have realised that the voice in my head is not mine.  How could I be so mean to myself when I would not dream of being this mean to another? It simply isn't in me.  This is the fluff that distracts us all from being who we really are and causes us to suffer.  The fluff that causes us to stay stuck in a particular groove and repeat patterns that are not ours, not us.  So now when I catch those thoughts creeping in and when I hear that voice in my head putting me down, I lift that needle, remove the fluff and replace the needle to hear the sweet music.

The repeats start

Its to do with the fluff

It hits at my heart

But it’s not my stuff

The fluff on the needle

Gets stuck in a groove

The voices that wheedle

“You must improve”

It’s the voice in my head

This is not who I AM

I’m being misled

It’s all a scam

The patterns are old

They grate and linger

They continue to scold 

And I give them the finger

The needle is lifted

The fluff to remove

The energy has shifted

Back to my groove

Back to my song

The tune of my soul

Powerful and strong

Beautiful and whole

Free to chance 

Free to expand

Free to dance

Free to land

Back in I AM

To stay for a while

The fluff builds again 

And then I smile